What’s My Age Again?

I just had to use a calculator to subtract 1987 from 2019 in order to determine how old I am.

32.

I was never good at math.

It feels like I was just writing down my goals for 2018 and here we are, another year, another list!  I was able to accomplish everything I hoped for and that feels really good and the only way to honor that, is to push for more.

First, I’d like to say that none of this year was easy.  I did not cross things off quickly.  It took time, effort, tears, defeat and heart and enthusiasm.  It took every part of me to get through them – and not because I was killing myself to get it done, but because these were things I NEEDED to do to feel whole.  I could do it all, but I had to plan my days accordingly.  I had to adjust for weather and illnesses and husband being out of town and school functions and household duties… the list goes on!

No excuses were made and THAT is what I’m most proud of.  I can look back and say I did it and have zero regrets.  However, now it’s time to share my next list.  The goals I have for 2019.

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These are all things that I know I can do AND things that may be difficult to do.  Things that I will have to work hard for and schedule and be exhausted for but will give me an incredible sense of accomplishment and confidence.  On top of reading more – which is just great for anyone to do, I want to make this the year that I find an agent.  I feel more ready now than I ever have for 2 reasons.

  1. I now have a greater knowledge of structure and story-telling that I hadn’t before.  I learned this because of an amazing editor that I hired who gave some of the BEST advice a writer could ask for and I instantly improved my writing.  Maybe that particular manuscript will remain on the ol’ hard drive, but I feel extremely confident in my latest novel.
  2. It just downright feels like it’s happening.  I can’t quite explain how I know, but I do. I KNOW that I will find that perfect agent this year and that is enough for me to put it on my list.

I started a sequel to my very first novel last year and paused it when I got an idea for THE QUIET ONES.  Then I had an idea for THE SHAPE OF A SOUTHERN WOMAN… so it stayed on the back burner.  I wanted to do the characters and story justice and didn’t want to write it for the sake of writing it… I wanted to do it right.  I’m only now starting to feel like I know how I want to tell it and what is going to happen to the characters I will be focusing on.  Whether it will be the one I finish this year or not… I will complete another novel.  Hell… maybe 2!  I don’t limit my goals… I follow my instincts within my creativity and go with it.  Saying NO to myself is not an option… unless it’s that horrid, relentless, irrational anxiety and then I say “You can wait” all damn day long.

I will find a house… I know that’s going to happen… but this goal encompasses more than that.  It’s finding a house that will nurture that creativity I just mentioned.  One that feels like a HOME.  One that is in the right area with the right schools, glorious neighbors and within a close proximity to a Costco… and Target… because duh.  So much of my happiness in my current home makes that important to me… I really want this for me and my family.  A home is a big purchase and I CANNOT sign on the dotted line without feeling like it’s the place I can tuck my girls in at night and cook their eggs in the morning while they ask me a million and one questions about how exactly babies are born.

This next goal will cover 2 things for me… it will continue to broaden my social self, I’m not amazing at doing things like that.  I am a social person – don’t get me wrong.  I love to meet new people.  But, it gives me a LOT of anxiety to actually do it.  If you’ve read ANY of my blogs before, you may have caught that.  I overthink the whole thing only to enjoy myself once I get there, then the anxiety comes RIGHT back juuuust as I’m about to fall asleep and tells me how freakin’ awkward I acted and that everyone probably hates me.

So, either joining a book club or starting one would force me out of that AND keep me motivated to read more.

Last, but not least, I really want to keep on that race train.  Will I do another half marathon?  I guess that just depends.  I really do enjoy running and I LOVED that race, however now that it’s over with – I don’t know if I want to go through all that training all over again!  It’s time consuming and takes a lot of extra planning DAILY – and yes that sounds like a lot of excuses.  But I did it already… I don’t feel like it’s something I HAVE to do again, but if summer comes and I have the itch.  I’ll surely do it.

BUT – I will do more 5ks and 10ks.  Less stress and still get a medal *wink*.  Secondarily, my husband is more likely to join me on those shorter races and I really like to make an effort to do things together.  Date nights are great and all, but those experiences are just really cool to me.  We don’t have a ton of interests in common, so finding things to do together, gives us something to talk about ON the date nights that aren’t just conversations wrapped around how adorable our kids are.

I think for a while, I expected too much of my husband emotionally.  I put a lot of our marital responsibility on him and wanted him to carry more weight than I did.  It isn’t fair.  We are both busy and tired.  We both want the same things with and for our children.  But the way we do it, is always going to be different and I think having a conversation about that, made us truly appreciate one another more and see that we could both do better for us. And not FAMILY us… Chris and Aimee us.  Once I had put down that wall I had that told me to be resentful or annoyed and just be understanding and more loving and respectful in my approach to the things I needed him to hear… I felt a HUGE relief and was able to feel much happier, safer and clear-headed to move forward with everything I wanted to do.

Figuring out how to reach personal goals while having a spouse and children can seem truly impossible at times.  Especially when you have complete opposite personalities like my husband and I do.  It can often feel like your working against one another when you think your partner doesn’t “get it”.  And if you are not happy in your relationship, it eats at your own self-esteem and then bleeds into all of the other things you want to do.  Personally or not.

So, I hope that this year brings even more growth, love and communication into our home.  I hope to check off my goals with the same bright-eyed enthusiasm that I was able  to this year. I hope that my children transition to their new home and school well and are happy and healthy.  And I hope anyone who follows me that second-guessed themselves in 2018, decides not to in 2019.

Don’t be ashamed to admit you’ve reached a mountain… just stretch, breathe and push forward.

You are worthy of big goals – you just have to have the heart and honesty within yourself to do it ❤️