Sometimes these are so smooth I feel as if I’ve finally found that sweet spot. Other times, I can barely breathe with the humidity. My legs feel heavy, my music is all off and my mind won’t clear enough to just let go and GO.
This week was good, not great, but good. This morning, my kids stayed in their pajamas, brought 3 stuffed animals (each) and managed to drop them three times in the middle of the road… causing more distraction which causes me to fall out of my rhythm. But also, this morning I got the email that the half is 2 months away, so there was no stopping. There was some walking, some panting, some sweating (okay a lot of sweating) but we completed 4.57 miles.
I really want to run 10 miles comfortably before race day, I’m not sure if that will happen, but I know I can complete 9 right now so that’s better than nothing. A lot of changes will be happening in the coming months and it’s truly difficult to not obsess over that. I’m not a person who can function well without definites. I need to know when things will happen, I need a schedule, I need stability. Being a mother, you’d think I would have cycled that out of my system by now, but I can argue that our life is relatively “easy” because of my obsessive need for those things.
Running is humbling and I enjoy it for that reason. It shows me that I cannot control everything that happens to me and I cannot have control over what I put out all the time. Sometimes I can try really hard and only push out something average, mediocre at best. But I did it – I finished and sometimes that should and can be enough. I’m not ashamed of my mediocre accomplishments because they are still a completion, they are proof of a commitment that I made to someone or just to myself and that means something to me. It shows me that there is room for improvement.
I think it’s important, sometimes, for people to try things that are outside of their comfort zones. Things they are not really all that great at, things that don’t come easy. Running has never come easy to me and I don’t come from a long line of athletes. It’s something I’ve had to learn to do and it has taught me a lot about myself and my limits. It’s helped me to reassure myself and push through discouragement. You hear a lot that people will say they want to “be the best” and sometimes that happens. You see it mostly with celebrities and athletes but that’s such a small percentage of the world.
I probably won’t be the best at anything I do. I am not anymore special than the thousands that will be running beside me, ahead of me or behind me but, I will cross that finish line. I may never be a best selling author but I will be an author. I’m not some amazing chef but, my daughter always tells me it’s the best dinner ever, and that’s good enough for me. I’m not selling myself short or “settling”… I’m happy. I’m content. I am creating a life that I enjoy living and that’s kind of life’s purpose, isn’t it?
I will constantly work to get better – however I won’t hurt myself in the process mentally or physically or allow myself to become bitter or discouraged. Everything is a process and there are always little eyes watching me. Eyes that need to learn from my successes and my failures. I don’t want them to only see me doing well because it’s not fair to them. Mom won’t always have it “together” and she will burn dinner and forget things that are important. Other days she will looks like a superhuman. I want them to know me and not just the pretty side.
It’s OK to feel things in front of your children and it’s OK for them to feel things too.
I’m momming in a pool of mediocrity today. Might still be doing it tomorrow. Life is going to be chaotic for a while, I know this. However, there’s a lot of good in that chaos and I’ll relish in those few moments of peace and wade in the calm waters while they last.
I owe myself that.