My Mother’s Appreciation Pitch

While I was rushing around trying to figure out what to get, last minute (I’m that mom) for teacher appreciate week, I thought to myself… wait a minute…teachers get a whole week where students are to show their appreciation.  Parents are even fortunate enough to get a sheet of paper outlining each themed day to make it “easy” for them to properly appreciate them.  Teachers are fabulous!  Don’t get me wrong… but a week? 

Moms, get a day.  Just one sunshiney day in the month of May squeezed between allergy season and the boiling summer, right around the end of the school year.  Sometimes I wonder if this was intentional or if Hallmark thought “Well, shit, it’s a boring month, let’s throw in a holiday there so we can churn out some more cards!”  

I much prefer the crocked handwriting of my children on construction paper, possibly some type of tex-mex and dessert… a pass on all responsibilities and a foot rub?

Now… we’re onto something!

So here’s my pitch!

Considering mom’s are the ones who have forsaken our bodies for the children who make the future possible.  We are the ones who have pushed, been cut open, provide eggs, wash the clothes, wipe the butts and slap on the workout pants that double as everyday-wear… why don’t we scrap the whole random Sunday celebratory DAY and get the full week?!

I can hear the husband’s panicking already… but it’s OK!  I got you covered… here is MY weeklong list of appreciativeness that will help you to easily appreciate your wife.  Because we all know Mother’s Day/Father’s Day/Teacher Appreciation/Birthdays etc all fall on the parent… or the mom… it’s always us, let’s be real.

Ready?

Here we go!

Sunday:

Let’s show our love for mom by allowing her 30 minutes of uninterrupted bath or shower time!  You can purchase bath bombs from just about anywhere these days so don’t give me the deer-in-headlights look… you can find that shit.  Wear a red shirt to show you can follow ridiculous instruction, red also represents LOVE because you LOVE Mom and it’s also the color of the wine you should have opened, poured, quietly placed on the side of the tub and walked away… closing the door behind you.   Her favorite music softly playing would be a nice add-on.

Monday:

Monday funday!  You know what is SUPER fun!  Laundry!  Mom SO loves doing 400 loads everyday, especially when there are questionable odors or stains.  But, today only, she won’t mind you taking over.  Do it all.  And don’t forget the fun tags on each one that requires different “care”.  She doesn’t, but you should… it shows appreciation.  And be sure not to forget to wash that shirt that your kid HAS to wear every single day!  Because this will help you with Tuesday.

Tuesday:

By today, all hell will be breaking loose.  And dads do love to oversimplify, so it should be NO problem for you to handle all the tantrums without losing your cool, right?  Moms definitely don’t realize how easy it is to diffuse the bomb of a 2-year-old with a runny nose and an obsession with Trolls when Netflix isn’t working.  You got this though!  We believe in you.  Oh look!  They’re already lovingly sobbing about something that makes absolutely no sense already!  Have fun!  Remember, this is so easy!

Wednesday:

It’s hump day!  But, not for you!  The kids crawled into your bed in the middle of the night claiming the sun is up (at 2am) so Mom is way too tired for any hanky panky.  BUT – you may enjoy hitting some pressure points on her delicate feet.  Don’t mind that rough spot, it’s from carrying your children around since they’re legs occasionally decide to give out in the middle of the grocery store… or just any public place whatsoever.  

Thursday:

Tonight is Grey’s Anatomy – Mom never gets to watch it when it comes on because, for some reason, the children can only play quietly in another room when a cartoon is on… only if it is changed to ANYTHING remotely satisfying for an adult will they run out fighting, asking questions or refusing dinner.  Take this opportunity to smell the roses.  Outside.  Away.  Take the children.  Bring back flowers in an hour, preferably in a vase… with chocolates and emotional support because Grey’s kills people off and it’s sad.

Friday: 

You’re almost there!  This would be a great day to bring mom breakfast in bed!  You may recycle the flowers to decorate the tray (bring a tray) for bonus points.  Remember, father’s day is next month and you want to leave a lasting impression.  You only get one day though.  I don’t recall seeing any of your stretch marks or your epidural wearing off.

Saturday:

Today is the last day of Mother’s Appreciation Week!  Spend this time wisely.  Pull out all the stops.  You may even want to write and compose a song for her.  Sing it while having birds and/or butterflies released at the beginning of each verse.  You may even want to bring in a puppy for cuddling – like a fresh one because puppy breath is everything.   Offer her a trip to Target, solo where she can overspend on things she doesn’t need, without consequence and tell her how you, too, think that the 5 for $20 tank tops were a deal not to be passed up!

There you go!  TOTES easy, right?  

I hope all you moms out there have a wonderful Mother’s day or week (if your family decides to jump on this bandwagon… mine most definitely won’t).  I am all about celebrating parents equally, because mom and dad should be a team no matter who works where… it’s a partnership.  

However… there are special things only mom can do and although you may not notice them all now… they will come up in places through your life and the lives of your children that make you TRULY appreciate all that she’s done.