The F Word.

This may be in the top 5 of things I dreaded when it came to having kids.  Can you take a guess?

Nope… not broken bones!  Not asshole biter kids in school.  Not even watching the same Disney movies on repeat day after day… which are all pretty damn high on the list by the way.


The fucking bane of my existence.  And let me just explain exactly why this shit is so completely ridiculous in my life.

For one, my kid is not even 4 yet.  She goes to school a whopping 2 days a week and is only there from the hours of 9 and 12.  We also PAY for them to take her during this time.  It ain’t free.  And granted it really is an amazing school – the director is this extremely pleasant younger woman who clearly has a passion for what she does.  Cori comes home raving about her teachers that probably baby her more than we do and it’s all very lovely.  The place is exploding with rainbows and unicorns and they all are always so happy and excited which I never understand because NOBODY can be that happy taking care of 15 toddlers for more than a couple hours.

Not possible.

No way.

HOWEVER – we have received, I believe about 7… SEVEN… S-E-V-E-N fundraisers since she started attending this school at the beginning of September.

But, like… we PAY for her to go here?  I give you my money happily every month for you to teach my kid to share and color and glue shit to other shit until noon where I pick her up and feed her.

Because she doesn’t eat lunch there… just a snack.  WHICH IS FINE… but why the hell am I getting 7 fundraisers in 2 months time?  Now, the Christmas crap is fine.  My family has an obsession with Christmas shit.  Wrapping, ribbons, bags, boxes… give us all the Christmas.  But I don’t need a handprint on a glass ornament.  1. Because my dog will most definitely find a way to break it, then my kids with find a way to step on the one piece that I didn’t find and then there will be blood, and crying, and wine will flow and I just don’t need that.  2. If you understand the number of traced hands I have on my fridge already, you’d understand.

I. Don’t. Need. More. Tiny. Hands. On. Things.

I also don’t want poinsettias.  Well, I’m lying.  I do.  I like them.  But Target has them for cheaper, and I love Target.  We have a longstanding, solid relationship and I can throw the poisonous plant in my basket next to my toilet paper and PB2 and be on my merry way.  I don’t have to write a check either.  Because who the hell writes checks anymore?

I do now.  Because school.

My husband also refused the Schoolastic (is that what it’s called?) book fair thing because he thinks it’s more fun to spend more money on the same books because the girls like to pick books on their own in the store.  True.  The satisfaction of browsing, choosing, smelling all the books… I get it.  I’m a book person.  I can appreciate the sentiment.  However… that’s another we had to duck and hide from.  I’m starting to feel the glares from administration.

We are those people.  THOSE parents who won’t support the school fundraisers.

And on TOP of the plethora of useless items they are forcing down our throats (some are kinda cool, but that’s beside the point), they add on in there how we should pay it forward and shove it down friends, family and neighbor’s throats too!  Because, let’s face it, this crap ALWAYS falls on the parents to pimp out.  So, basically I need to go beg for money from people I have been working really hard NOT to piss off.  People that already have kids, which means they have their own wide range of bullshit THEY have to buy from their kids schools.  On top of whatever ungodly tuition they’re probably paying which is most likely a ton more than we are… for now.  Until we put #2 in school, which is just a shitshow to think about itself.

My question is, where does it end?  What’s the limit?  If we are getting this many in this short amount of time at the age of 3, on ONE kid… what’s to come in the next months, years?

Will we need to refinance our home to buy school portraits and personalized totes?  Do I have to forego putting Diem in pre-K because we won’t be able to afford it since we had to purchase a potted plant that grows locally?  Sorry Diem… hopefully you can get in on some scholarship.  You are pretty smart, so just keep working at it.

So, while we are all trying to prepare for the holidays, scraping our pennies to buy all the toys our kids are learning to ask for along with decor that Hobby Lobby so conveniently slaps a 50% off sign on… I will not be participating in fundraising.

I won’t do anymore this year!

I bought school photos (and yes, my kid is adorable, she smiles super sweet – but I post the absolute best ones… it takes about 20 tries to get her not to do the weird awkward smile). So, I can only imagine what these things will look like when we finally get them.  I bought wrapping paper which probably won’t even cover 1/3 of what we will have to buy.  But, I did my part.  I pay tuition, on time, every month and I spent $40 at Michael’s for the Halloween craft I signed up to provide during the class party that WASN’T EVEN USED…

So, nope.  No thank you.  I’m rebelling.  A silent protest against fundraisers.  I have way more important things I need to convince my husband to let me spend my money on.

Happy Freakin’ Holidays.