My Bitter Apology

IMG_7195-1.JPG“Moms are so unfair.  They don’t GET us!”  Said the young, naive, shithead teenager in all of us.  I’m sure, like all mothers, mine for one has made many mistakes raising children, probably some she regrets.  She burned every cookie… no exaggeration… every single one.  Not harboring any resentment over it, just putting it out there…. I mean, how can a child move on from that!?  She definitely was harsh at times, too harsh?  She overdosed me on medicine once in 3rd grade… that was pretty cool.  But all in all… that old bird did a pretty darn good job!


Only in the last, I’d say, 2 months?  Have I really, and truly, understood how deeply children can ruin all the happiness in your life.  Now don’t get me wrong, my kids are my life.  They’re amazing little miracles that I can’t peel myself away from to go grocery shopping without missing them, however… they have stolen my happiness.

Oh come ON!  Don’t act like your happiness in in tact… when was the last time you slept.  Like REALLY slept… I’m talking go to bed at 11 pm and wake up at noon and eat a box of donuts and not immediately feel like banging your face against a brick wall and praying to God that those calories didn’t count?  … I’ll give you a minute to ponder.

The constant worry.  The heartbreak when they, oh I don’t know, break their leg and can’t walk for 2 months.  The torture you feel when they try to make a friend and are ignored, sparking the inner rejected child in you.  The sickening need to be with them, but about 14 seconds after they wake up, the burning desire for them to want to take a nap.  Your life is forever changed once those little precious demons entire it.  They just walk in, all cute with their wild, innocent eyes and tiny toes and do cute shit and give you kisses for no reason and make you melt into a pool of sloppy jelly that they then decide to jump in and spread all over the walls you JUST cleaned.

So.  I shall take this time to apologize to you, Mother.  Reluctantly, but from the depths of my sleep deprived, broken hearted, half a glass of wine filled soul.

I’m sorry for all of my incredibly confusing and frustrating OCD moments of my toddler-hood.  Now that I have a 3-yr-old who thinks the potty is going to eat her ass, insists on sleeping with 7 stuffed animals, making me buy 14 tons of yogurt one week, only to refuse it with utter disgust the next, being stuck on the same movie or show for 2 weeks straight and needing to wear Minnie Mouse sunglasses everywhere we go… I get it.  I really. Effing. Get. It.  I don’t know how you can love a person so much while also wanting to throat punch them every 30 minutes… but it’s real.

I’m sorry for the times I begged for things that I didn’t need, but REALLY REALLY wanted, and then refused to play with until my sister was playing with it and then cried for it.

I’m sorry for all the crying.  All of it.  Every last tear shed, because now I know… there was absolutely no reason for about 94.4645745% of it.  These little shits will cry…and I mean, follow me around the house and cry for nothing. They aren’t hungry.  They don’t want to play.  They have clean diapers.  They’re just crying. Those moments are where I wonder why you never discovered day drinking.  I haven’t quite picked it up full-time, purely because I believe CPS has a strong enough case against me as it is… but I mean… you definitely could have.  At least up until the whole overdose thing… but I digress.

I’m sorry for begging to play with friends, only to be too shy once they arrived making you look like a jerk.

I’m sorry for the repeating.  All the repeating.  The incessant questions that you’ve already answered.

And I’m sorry for all the doctor visits.  I know you know what I mean.  Hence the photo.  I don’t believe I’ve had one doctor visit that my child(ren) didn’t go apeshit.  Not one.  In 3 years, not ONE visit did they not turn into Carrie at the prom and rain blood over my greasy head.  I’m pretty sure if a pediatrician could fire patients… we’d be at the top of the list.  And to add insult to literal injury… my kid breaks her leg, and gets strep throat in 2 months time, then passes it to her little sister… because she can’t share a toy, but disease?  Sure, why not!

We’ve spent a LOT of time in doctor’s offices lately.  And, as I’ve mentioned before, I’m awkward with other adults.  So they probably keep hoping I’m just a babysitter for the children’s sake… or maybe they know I haven’t really slept in 37 months and feel sorry for me.  But their faces often remind me of the ones I got from my peers growing up… and I know they’re definitely thinking “weirdo”.  But it’s fine… I mean… I got someone to marry me so I can’t be too weird.  Or maybe I finally got normal and then had kids and that whole science and biology thing says that creating life can mess up your brain and shit… and really it’s the kids’ fault…

So here we are… loving little people with a wholeness we never thought possible while they mock every moment of sanity we have.

But, I got to shower today.  I took an extra long one, scraping the dried playdoh from under my nails and shaving my legs (drawing blood only once) with a lovely Malbec finisher and find myself missing my children.  Which from the above, you’d think I’d be elated that those turds are sleeping, which I am… it’s a Catch 22 you see…

So for all of this and more.  Mom… I’m so. Totally. Completely. Sorry.

But I know you wouldn’t trade one second of it for the world.  Because every milestone we reach, I find myself both rejoicing and wanting to crawl into a corner and sob, because that’s it.  That moment is gone now, and the next will be another amazing thing that shows us how quickly time flies and how much is slipping through our fingers.  Parenting is not for the faint of heart.

Today, I offer you all a simple recipe!

Bison BurgersScreen Shot 2017-02-22 at 7.15.07 AM.png

1 lb ground bison meat

1 tsp garlic powder

1 tsp salt

1/2 tsp ground black pepper

Hamburger buns of your choice (I get wheat)

Shredded Cheddar cheese

1 yellow onion, sliced

2 tbsp balsamic vinegar

1 tbsp olive oil

1-2 tbsp honey

1/2 tsp salt

1/4 tsp pepper

  1. Heat olive oil in cast iron skillet over medium high heat.  Place your sliced onions in and sprinkle with salt and pepper.  When they begin to become opaque, pour in the balsamic vinegar and honey.  Continue to stir until all the juices are gone and there’s a decent caramelization on your onions. (Should overall take about 10-15 minutes)
  2. Mid cook on the onions place your ground meat, powder, salt and pepper in a bowl and mix.  Lightly –  DO NOT OVER MIX.  Separate out your patties.  I made 6, but they shrink up way more than the turkey burgers so I would recommend separating into 4.
  3. I used a griddle over the stovetop to keep the juices.  I sprayed a little organic Pam and cooked them about 3 minutes each side.  Once one side was done, I flipped and in the last minute or so, place the shredded cheese to melt.
  4. (Toast the buns for 2 minutes in your toaster) and serve!

For a nice, fresh side salad…

Kale SaladIMG_7325.JPG

1/2 bunch of curly kale

2-3 tbsp olive oil

dash of Chili powder, cumin, salt, cayenne, red pepper flakes and oregano

Feta cheese or Parmesan

1 roma tomato, diced

1/2 avocado (optional)

1/2 red onion, diced

  1. Chop the kale and toss in the olive oil and spice mixture – top with tomato, cheese and avocado


**The good thing about kale is that it’s good with almost anything.  You can put black beans and corn in it (my favorite with that and the feta cheese) also… change it up so it doesn’t get boring.  But I always use the olive oil and spice ‘dressing’!**